My Updated Online Dating Profile

I've received several emails from my Loveawake contacts, and since then, I've made quite a few changes:


Interests:

hot babes
porn
more hot babes
being a jerk
arm trophies
my biceps
me
myself
the letter I
my 1957 Ford Mustang
football
greasy food
being awesome
mirrors
pictures of me with no shirt on

About Me
My name is Todd with two d's, and I'm a selfish a$$hole. I've been told that I am all that and a very expensive bag of chips. I tried letting women rate my image, but the numbers on the scale didn't go high enough. Some people say that I think the world revolves around me, but I told them not to be so silly. It's more like the Universe. They didn't have "me" under religion, so I just selected "other".

Looking for Mr. Right? Then you're not looking for me. But when you get tired of all of those boring right guys, I'm what's left. Yeah. You like that. I like my cheese in a can. I had a much more formal profile until I took out the garbage. Must be trash day. I was wondering what that smell was. No, wait, I think I just farted. "Oh my god, so gross!". And yes, I just said that on my profile.

Trying to find a guy that's going to pull up in his Rolls-Royce and offer you his Grey Poupon? No? Good. Cause I don't have any. Apparently, they don't sell Rolls-Royces at the local grocery store. My mustard be yellow baby, 'cause that brown be too fancy for me.

What do I want in a woman? I want a woman to cook, clean, do the dishes, tell me how awesome I am, and while you're at it, you may as well take out the trash too. Yeah, I want you to worship me. Look at that face, and tell me that it wasn't God given. It's like God wrapped me up in a pretty box, and dropped me out of the sky. Merry Christmas, and you're welcome.

Want me to read you poetry? Awwww. How sweet. What? I wasn't talking about reading you poetry. I was talking about how schweet I'd look with a mullet and a six pack of Bud Light. If you think you're Miss Right, or is that Miss Left? Whatever. You get my point, and not my Grey Poupon. Back to what I was saying, if you think you can keep up with me, shoot me a message. And if not? Just shoot me. No, wait, shoot him. I'm much too beautiful to shoot...unless it's with a camera. In that case, shoot me.

Play your cards right, and maybe you can be one of those hot babes next to me. Speaking of hot babes, if you want to see them, I have a ton of pictures of hot babes who were just dying to be seen with me. And if you're really cool, maybe I'll send you autographed pictures of my penis.

-Todd with two d's, because one d just wasn't enough

First Date
Girl, I'd take you to McDonald's. Get you a Happy Meal. Maybe even let you keep the toy. That toy may only be available for a limited time, but you and me? Girl, we last forever. Word.*

*At participating restaurants only. While supplies last.

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